Baby

And I should've ignored you tonight like I did back then. I shouldn't have picked up the phone just to hear the sound of your voice so effortlessly call me baby. Baby. That one word that symbolizes everything you thought I was--needy, emotional and impossible to understand. If only I had thrown my phone at the sound of your voice, at hearing that word. . .at hearing the truth. How I wish I could say that your desperate cries of loneliness and regret fell upon deaf ears, but we both know I've heard it all before and I'll always be willing to hear it again.

You were young, I was younger. We were a series of opposites grasping at the one thing we had keeping us together--a love of adventure; you were quite a trip. It was as if we couldn't back down from a dare, never refusing a challenge. Maybe it's the reason we tried long distance, thought we could beat the odds of a game that's yet to be won. Old enough to know we'd never succeed, yet young enough to try. We were young, stupid and it was absolutely beautiful. You were beautiful to me, a dream come true.

 

But this dream has become a nightmare. . .and it's just getting a bit too much for this living witness to bear. Oh how I wish you'd find a different muse. You call me up, forgetting time differences, forgetting the tears I cried on your shoulder and the rage you rained down on me. Funny how you don't remember the nightmare I'll never forget. I never told you I loved you. I feared loving you, I feared everything it had to offer. I feared the thought of losing you, yet I realize now that allowing you to keep coming and going from my life as you damn well please is what's killing me slowly.

Please don't call me anymore. Don't Snapchat me, text, Facetime or friend and unfriend me again just to make sure you're on my mind. You had control of me once, and I loved basking in the presence of your glory. You've never left me for long, and I don't think you ever will. But my  mind needs a breather, time to go back to the solace of ignoring you before my individual strength met my biggest weakness. . .I wish it wasn't you. This "baby" you speak of needs to grow up--grow up without the shadow of self doubt and dependence your hurricane of a presence always brings about. I left you once to protect us both--its your turn now, baby.

Chasing

It seems as though the message of this week for me is chasing. Chasing the grade, chasing down my mile time and chasing after you. It's funny how when you're busy chasing your imagination, you happen to be simultaneously running from what matters most.

I've made a promise to myself in a decalogue I wrote a few months back that I wouldn't be afraid to say goodbye. So as of today, I'm saying goodbye. Goodbye to endless nights sitting by my phone, goodbye to two word answers and your endless supply of sorry's and excuses. . . .goodbye to you. In the words of Taylor Swift, "I bet it never even occurred to you. . .that I can't say hello to you. . .and risk another goodbye. . . ."

At seventeen, maybe it's time to stop chasing and start breathing. What will be will be, and the more I realize I don't control it all, the less I'll let you control me. So the next time you miss me at odd hours, remember that you won't find me by running far into the abyss--you'll find me right where you left me, at the brink of insanity, just shy of losing myself. It'll only be then, at the corner of too late and broken promises, that you'll realize I never ran away, I didn't even walk--you let me go. So now, I'm letting go of uncertainty, doubt and confusion--I'm chasing the path to loving myself. Like you said, we've always been walking different paths. Go ahead and chase your tail as your head spins, wondering just what went wrong. There's no need for a chase any longer, I've caught onto the one thing you never thought truly mattered--me.