And
I see you, through the corner of my eye. In a mall, in a hallway or in a
crowded parking lot. You are any and everywhere. You are momentary flirtation,
a boy I will never see again, a man just trying to have a little fun. The cute
guy at the mall kiosk, the older gentleman who catches my breath—the face and
name of a constantly changing illusion of love.
It’s
the daydreams hours later that will leave me wishing there was more. It’s the
times that I’m caught off guard by someone so true, so genuine and so
different. By someone I’ll never see again, though I secretly and not so
secretly hope to. He’s the story I’ll tell my friends, and the joke they’ll
laugh at me for years to come. We’re all constantly searching for him, for her,
for it—for love.
And
it’s never love, but it can be lust. Lusting after that which we don’t think we
deserve. Is happiness in our cards? Was that ever truly an option? Who could
bear to love us, when the burden is one we haven’t yet been able to bear? If
only we could stop questioning the lies and admit the truth: we deserve to be
loved, we deserved to be happy . . . I deserve to feel loved and to be happy.
It’s
funny, because I never thought I’d be able to say these words. But I guess you
have to fake it until you make it. And isn’t it that one moment of doubt that
helps us to see the beauty in the world? We tell ourselves that they could
never love us, so we lust after them because we know it’s safe. That they’ll
never get close enough to hurt us, so hurting ourselves a little in the process
won’t hurt nearly as much as if we let them in enough to break our hearts that
have long been held together with duct tape.
And
I’m kind of okay with that. At 16, I’m fine with believing that I am going to
fall in love with some random guy I see in the mall. I’m okay with daydreaming
about my friend’s new boyfriend, or questioning if a guy I saw running down the
street would make a good father. Because that’s what my life is about now.
Trying to figure things out, that maybe love is in the cards for me, or maybe
I’m condemned to a life of Facebook stalking and listening at the gossip mill.
It’s
a crazy world, the world of a girl who just wants to be loved. The world of a
girl who refuses to let love in. It’s messed up and convoluted, but I enjoy the
insanity to be honest. Who else can say that they’ve pictured themselves with
over hundreds of people? For these fantasies and illusions never come real,
it’s the ones that you don’t play over a million times in your head that turn
into reality. As Nev from Catfish said, “If we don't hope, if we don't stay
positive - at least about love, or finding love - then the rest of life becomes
really just painful to think about, because for the most part, you know,
day-to-day stuff is monotonous.”
And I’ll believe in the insane, let
guys think me the “crazy girl” I often label myself as. But I guess I’m better
than that. In fact, I know I am. I’m wild and free and boy crazy and I’m ready
to have fun. For time was stolen from me, and I’m ready to not reclaim it, but
to make the most of the time that I’ve still got when I’m at this age. I love
life, and nothing is going to stop me from continuing to love what the big man
up there wants to bring me.
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