Dear Angelo--
I write to you, though not as often as I would like. . .not as I should. An emoticon or two will be sent your way, a statement about missing you which is oh too, but it disguises the truth. The truth that I'm just not ready to let go of you, that it's hard here without you and that I'm scared that I could encounter your same fate. I want you close, so I'll send you pictures of what I've been doing just to keep your name at the top of my messages list. I need to feel you close, because it seems as if you've been slipping further and further away lately.
It's like a distant memory, your shining face in the halls. I used to be afraid of you, though now I'm afraid of the thought of losing you. I'm afraid some days that I already have. But this is to you, for in your absence I have learned how I need to improve my presence. How many days go by that I don't hug someone, don't chase them down the halls just to tell them that I think they look pretty? It's out of fear, and I'm done being afraid. I want to do a tribute to you, and I know that words on this empty screen won't mean much. So I'm changing who I am so that maybe others won't have to feel like the place they call home is just too much of a Hell to keep living.
Angelo, we were never as close as we should've been, we were never as close as I would've liked to be. But I've been trying to keep you alive these past few months. Please don't forget to visit soon. I love you.
I'll write to you soon.
--Toby
